kile_h

Lighting a cig...

The smoke reminds me where I've been. I awoke this morning to the call from the doctor. Are you gonna be here tomorrow? Promise? What am I really gonna tell them. Piss off? I mean, I want to tell them that but they really are nice people doing there job. It honestly isn't there fault I'm mad because they are trying to keep me alive. I've got my own bitter reasons. It's things like the attitude from my father, "Are you gonna go?" With a fathers harshness in his tone. I know he is strained and stressed but i haven't spoken to him in almost 2 weeks. A little kindness wouldn't kill. But I understand he is always looking out for me. I do love him a lot!

Mostly though, I cant stand my broken heart. Just the thought of my failed relationships leaves a nauseating taste in my mouth. It's all in the way they've ended and the reasons standing oh so firmly behind the cause of my heartache. It seems to always be something I didn't do but that's difficult to swallow when your manic depressive and now a cancer patient. What do you make when life gives you crap... Crap-aide, lol.

I really don't care that I have cancer. I just don't want it to hurt so damn much. I guess I've "come to terms" with my fate. I kinda don't have much of a choice. I have never really talked about it... except to an ex of mine, before she was an ex lol. My Father says I never have dealt with my demons. Not that I know how to but I'm pretty sure I don't want to cause they will probably kick my ass. lol

Oh well I'm still a kind and gentle guy. I always have a smile on my face and a good joke for ya. And for a guy with so many problems, apparently my personality is still so warming that people consider me there damn, skinnier, Doctor Phil, lol. I have never hurt anyone on purpose... I accidentally hurt a girl I love a lot when I was younger. She was young as was I but I just couldn't be with her at the time you know. I was having a mental melt down. Being in therapy isn't always the most kosher thing. Especially for Depressed, AD/HD 18 year old's that wanna off themselves. I've come a long way since then. But the idea of that girl still kills me inside. Just wanted to say sorry.

I guess on that note i should kick my own ass outta here. I got some sulking to do.

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